Club Numbers, Trends, Casino and other Nanyuki Watering Holes

Nanyuki is a town with one street. The street has a few tributaries here and there but lets face it.  Politicians holding a pissing contest as they are wont to do at the governor’s office are likely to wet the whole town before they are halfway done.

That said, it is probably one of the most culturally diverse towns in Kenya. Yep . Screw Mombasa. Nanyuki is the one place you will find a half British half Kikuyu prostitute, who during the day works in a highbrow grocery store run by an Indian who buys his greens from a Maasai farmer (no that is not an oxymoron) and wheat from an Australian who speaks fluent Kikuyu and bad Swahili like everyone else in Kenya.  There is also a ton of Khat chewing Kambas and “fake” Maasai dancers some who are Merus. 

Drinking is not a vice in Nanyuki. It is a rite of passage. Everyone except my friend Jerry drinks. However, the prices of the frothy stuff dictate where you can enjoy your tipple. If you are in town, you can catch a boda boda operated  by a guy with a name as normal as Charles or Hassan. I know for a fact that outside Nakumatt there is a boda boda guy called Facebook. Of course you could drive to Kongonis or Trout tree and pay between 190 to 300 for your tusker.  Today we look at some of the places you can catch a beer, wifi, coffee and perhaps a kahalf.

Sherlock’s Bistro

Nakumatt-Nanyuki Mall, which is currently in the process of soiling its pants in dread because a new mall is being built a few hundred meters down the street is the melting pot. It is where all the cultures meet to watch British soldiers and farmers buy cheese and park their 5.0-liter behemoth land cruisers.  If you are up for a pint at this point, you can go up the stairs to Sherlock’s bistro, which for some inexplicable reason is also called Avantis. Beer goes for 250 Ksh which leads one to wonder if it is distilled from the tears of a Tilapia. The ambience is pretty good though and the waiters don’t ignore you when they see white clients. This is not something to be taken lightly in this country.  Their wifi is not half bad either.

Trends

Trends is a lot like Gary Oldman or Jean Claude Van Damme. Everyone thinks they were once very good at what they did but they aren’t dying to see them in action again. That said, I am typing this sitting in Trends as I drink a Guinness priced at 170 KES which is probably the cheapest I have bought stout since 2011.  Their wifi is so slow that you have to move to Club Numbers to like their Facebook page.  It has tons of space for Dunhill-switch smoking wannabes and enough parking space to accommodate the egos of V8 drivers. Not that anyone who drives a V8 would be caught dead in a drunk driving accident made in Trends.

The Casino

Casino smells of money. All types of money. Broke kids trying their luck at the 50 and 100 bob slot machine and British soldiers probably trying to use up their pound before the after effects of brexit relegates it to where the Zimbabwe dollar resides.  Last I checked booze went for 200 but it might have gone up.  It’s a popular haunt for expatriates since most locals will find it too classy or dreadfully boring.

Numbers

This is probably the only place in Nanyuki with a music system that qualifies for the name Nightclub.  The music in numbers is simply orgasmic. The beats travel from the speakers to your brain without having to pass through you ears. A lot of vibration especially when you are sitting near them.  It tends to be pretty crowded though. On an end month Saturday night,  you are likely to have someone else’s sweat on you brow. Likely the drunk male college student who just came from puking in the lady’s.  220 will get you a beer here.

Pyramid

If you want to eat goat ribs though, you should go to pyramid. It  stinks like the he-goats [thenges] were murdered right there on the table tops but the meat is sweater than the forbidden fruit. The ambience is however to die for, in the sense that its boring enough to kill you. If you are going to dine here, bring interesting company.

Nyama Choma Village

Nyama Choma Village is surprisingly incompetent in the art of cooking meat for an establishment that is supposed to specialize in roast meat. Every time I have ordered meat there it has had blood in it and no, I did ask for rare. The last time I had chicken there it was so raw I am sure, as the good Chef Ramsey would say,  any half decent vet would have had it running around in minutes.

Next time we discuss the touchy subject of race relations in our good ol town.