Don't You Just Love How the Missionaries Scammed your Ancestors

I am a Christian. That’s definitely  a bad way to start any sentence. Right up there with “am not a racist/tribalist etc”. But am going with it anyway. Despite my professed Christianity, I don’t think I need a degree in divinity or political science to tell it is a historically oppressive, covertly racist and overtly sexist religion like most others. Lets take a moment to reflect on its history in Kenya before you start catching feelings.  A wise (supposedly) man said that the British came with a bible and gun while the Africans came…ok they were already there so they didn’t actually come (at least not in this story) with land. The missionaries taught them how to pray and even proposed they do it with their eyes closed. Then like scam artists are wont to, the missionaries pulled a fast one on the praying Africans (Who by the way are still at it). At the end of the colonial occupation, Africans ended up with acres or biblical knowledge that they had managed to exist for centuries without knowing they needed.

 On the other hand, the missionaries and their sponsors ended up with huge tracks of land, many that they still hold after our theoretical independence. Those who claim the moon landing was faked should stop wasting their time and look into our so called independence.

So back to guns and bibles, when the African was done replacing the oral literature his ancestors had passed on for centuries with accounts from Jewish people inspired by God, he opened his eye and realized he had  been “owned” in some cases pretty literally. The white men were standing on their former land, pointing the gun at the him and daring him to try and do more than be an underpaid slave. The nice missionary guy who now had (still has) thousands of acres of land to build their churches et al was standing next to the coloniser explaining to the African to be content with his sliver of land barely sufficient to decently bury his grandfather on/under/in? 

 “Shun worldly wealth, more so land, and focus on tilling  your soul so you could enjoy unlimited wealth in heaven”. 

Never mind no-one had heard of this celestial piece of real estate before the missionaries spun their yarn barely a decade before.

For reasons no-one can fathom, my ancestors fell for that line and surrendered their most precious commodity to the imperial Brishit  East African Company and whatever outfit  running the town on behalf of his majesty’s government. To be fair to the missionaries, I think the fact that the guys with guns were forcing African chiefs to sign treaties they could not read (duh!) and enforcing them by genociding the hell out of anybody who disagreed may have been a key factor contributing to African generosity.

Anyway, by now you must be asking yourself what exactly is my beef with missionaries? It’s a long story. I had deluded myself into thinking we were now running this Christianity thing African style, given that we ostracize atheists and gays at home  while they even run for public office in the countries that “gave” us religion. I thought so until I tried to give my daughter an African name and the church informed me I must have a saint’s name. 

Ok, that makes sense. Wait so I can call her “Tiffany?”  Of course, But not Wanjiku. “No Wanjiku is ok but we cant baptize her with it”, “so we call her Tiffany?” do we have a Saint Tiffany by the way?” no it really doesn’t matter we just need to have an English name” Hold on right there, so we both Agree that Tiffany is not a saint (at least not one either of us knows of) but we would rather call her that than Wanjiru” “Well the Father will never allow the card to be written any other name”.  “Oh the father, you mean the priest, the guy who is not allowed to have kids, [good luck with that by the way] for a second I thought you meant me the dad, coz am perfectly ok with what ever name I suggested”. 

This conversation is only happening in my head and neither did I want to call my baby Tiffany or Wanjiru. The situation did however occur and am only imagining it coz if I had been present I would have spoken my mind and likely gotten excommunicated for accusing the church of racism or bigotry, or is it phariseesm?  Shame the good old days are over or some of us would have been executed in the name of the forgiving and caring lord. To cut the already long story short. In some churches in this country, children will only be baptized if the have white names. It does not matter if the name is a Viking God or the greek goddess of fornication. As long as it is white it will be accepted. African names are a no no and I think that is a shame. It also pisses the hell out of me and I intend on doing something about this embarrassing but atypical Af lack or respect and self-pride.  In other news my daughter was baptized with a Sudanese Saint’s name. Which will however not be included in her birth certificate or any formal documents unless she expressly demands it when she’s of age. Can someone forward this to Papa Franco? Thank you.