When You are Arrested by the Army

                                                   

Probably the most expensive picture of me anywhere. 10 minutes before they arrived

The Crime/Non Crime

My friend and I planned to capture some pictures of Mt Kenya from a vantage point on your way to Kanyoni or the Mt Kenya Safari Club. We parked ourselves at the soccer stadium used during safari rallies and waited for dusk on camp chairs sipping tuskers.  It is one of the few occasions I think when one gets a chance to sit and relax with a wonderful view they are not being charged for. 

The arrest

Half a tusker later, a Military Police Jeep crawls up to us and blocks our view of the dusky mountain  before unceremoniously disgorging its contents.  There was 4 of them. They did not bother to introduce themselves but their Jeep and clothes (some) said military police.  Only one was in uniform. For a second, we thought they were about to attack us since they started getting off the vehicle before it even stopped. They demanded our names and asked if we were aware that we were trespassing on Military property. I pointed out that there was no sign indicating such and in any case, the entry to the field has a whitewashed rock inviting potential safari rally cars in. This was met with the usual, “shika hii vijana” (Arrest these youths) and the specious boss who was holding one of those X-TIgi phones that can allegedly hold charge for a week and charge your smartphone as well pretended I had said something offensive.  Before we could discuss it further, we had been relieved of our phones, our national IDs and our freedom.  We were quickly cuffed and the “boss” started telling some guy to quickly put us in the back of the jeep and have the cars towed.  At this point, we explained we had no idea we were trespassing and we only wanted to take pictures.

Speak of escaping rain by jumping into the ocean. They demanded to see the pictures we had taken and some of them showed buildings that are apparently part of the barracks in the background.  At this point we were no longer trespassers but potential Al shabaab and spies.  People have been killed for such things we were told.  

Our interaction with the disciplined forces has taken less than 3 minutes so far and it is becoming clear we are not going home tonight. Unless.

Negotiations part 1

Having lived in Nairobi, I am used to cops salting you for a bribe so that they can directly inform you they wanted to be bribed and also to decide if you are enough of a sucker to give one. “We can call DOD and as soon as the call goes through this will be out of our hands” the boss informed us before dramatically walking away like he was in a scene in a Mexican soap where he had to swagger away and display umbrage for imagined slights by the richer land owner with a bigger horse prettier woman.

The alternative, his minions explained are that we would spend a weekend in Military cells and probably have a case for spying in our hands. Oh plus towing charges would be on us. There was also the motif of "eating bullets"

I know what you are thinking, “what they are suggesting is illegal and they just want you to bribe them. You must man up and tell them to go to hell”.  On your side of the story, I would think the same thing. However, the gentlemen are being pretty specific on what will happen if we think we are clever enough to get away. We will “eat a bullet”.  Either they were short on ammunition or the fact that in Swahili Risasi (bullet) has no plural may have made me imagine we would be forced to share the bullet.   I had heard sordid stories of people being arrested and never seen again and I am also aware that they are not above planting “evidence”  which would facilitate a hasty “eating” of bullets and a justification.  Then as my friends have a tipple in Trends (where beer is now 200 but they have this awesome bonfire in the back) they would say things like,,  “By the way he always had this weird vibe around him, plus no one knew where he got all that money from” (Which money dammit!" My ghost would ask desperately trying to pee in their drinks).

The bribe:  Police vs Army

The negotiations begun in earnest

Do you know how when the police arrest you they demand like 1000 depending on the crime and you can negotiate down to 300 of 950 depending on how hungry they are. Well, bribing the army is a whole different story.

The boss

First you have to speak to the boss who makes it clear he wants a bribe while at the same implying you can be shot and arrested (not necessarily in that order) for offering one. 

And then you have to pee

They separate you so each of you can negotiate independently and hopefully increase the ante. You suggest 1000 and the hungry looking one walks away in disgust saying they cannot risk… “Mkubwa’s job for such a measly amount”.  You continue to negotiate and ask them how much they want. Finally you get their figure. Your combined freedoms and the bosse’s job are worth a whooping 8,000.  Between the two of you, you do not have 8,000. So what do you do? You call home and have them send some money. They let you have your phones. You are still cuffed and now that you think you may have a chance, you want to pee. You ask permission to do so. Permission granted. No move to take of the handcuffs though. You are like “seriously?”  But you only say that in your mind. A few drops get on the cuffs (maybe more than a few). You know what they say about pee making cuffs spring open? Well, its rubbish. Or maybe I was too scared to produce to do the job properly . I assume most cuffed people are.

Side note. If you were arrested by the army anytime after 7.00 PM on Saturday and cuffed. You might want to wash your hands.

You are going to steal my beer too?

Anyway the money arrived with my friend’s brother on a Boda Boda. It dropped him off as he waited for us to give him a ride back home. Clearly, “trespassing” is OK as long as you have a legitimate reason such as delivering bribe money. Still we were 2,000 short. Once again, army-bribing procedures depart from the standard police bribing methodology. If the police saw 6,000 in an 8,000-bribe situation, they would quickly take the money and run. Well, when the army says 8,000. They mean 8,000 and not a penny less.  We threw in my friends unopened beer, which the army took without asking and we MPESAd the balance.  Having thus saved the ‘bosses’ job and bought our freedom. We were instructed to drive with our lights off until we hit the main road then never trespass on military space again. We were more than happy to oblige.

Afterword

I might not have written this had it not been for the fact that I went back there and I was informed that the land was open to the public and even if it was military owned. (With zero signage indicating it was military land) Every other day, civilians test drive their cars and play football with as many as 5 cars parked there some evenings.   According to one boda boda driver we were conned by the army and we are not the first.  That is something they do often and people usually report to the chief in Kanyoni who then contacts the army. Maybe I will make a report too. But who are we kidding?

P.S I will be paying my taxes less 4,000 since I already paid that directly to the army whom I am told are paid with our taxes.

Have a Kenyan year